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Where is real life?

Okay, now I’m just complaining. Which is usually reserved for livejournal, but I felt it fit with the process of coming back to Whitman. I’m just so easily frustrated these days. The littlest things get me upset, and I know that it’s not healthy, but I can’t quite figure out how to stick up for myself and say Hey, you’re not doing things so badly! Keep at it and you’ll figure things out!

I’m frustrated by the workload and the fact that I had to skip over some important sections of political econ reading for today. I’m frustrated when I can’t find a way to fit the things I want to say into the conversation, and that when I do want to talk someone else who has already talked 10 times that class decides to jump in without waiting to see if someone else has something to say. I’m frustrated by the fact that it DOES make a difference to have twice as many men in class as women. I’m frustrated by the fact that, according to Aaron, when I don’t talk enough because of that, it means I am “using gender as an excuse”. I’m frustrated that the person who literally had to tell me that I am smart and can feel okay about sharing my opinion with others in order to get me to talk in class, turned around and told me that it’s ‘not all about’ what I have to say in class, it’s also about hearing what other people have to say. Well, duh. Thanks for making me more self-conscious about talking in class. Seriously though, tell that to Will K-9. I’m not the one monopolizing this conversation.

Man, Whitman sure knows how to get me down. And then I do a pretty good job of getting mad at myself for letting it get me down. How do you break that cycle? Sometimes I do alright at accepting the fact that things aren’t going to be easy here, and that it’s okay to be unhappy with the way things are. Other days I just want to be happy again, I want to enjoy going to class again, I want to enjoy the discussions we have, I want to be friends with my advisor again, I want to have faith in academia, and yeah, I want to be a little ignorant and a little happier with my life, even just for a little while. I know that is wrong, but sometimes I just don’t know how to handle all this.

I guess I am understanding Gabriel more and more when he told me he sometimes wonders whether this was the right thing for him. And I know what I told him when he said that. I said No, the point of all this is so that we CAN be happy, truly happy, rather than ignorantly happy. The point of it is that things can and will be better. There is so much strength and potential to be found in this movement that we are a part of, and its easy to forget that when you sit around reading books all day and having intellectual discussions in class.

I like how every entry in here is basically this same conclusion over and over again: there are real things to be a part of out in the real world, let go of academia a bit and stop looking in your books for the answers. But somehow I keep letting myself fall into that trap, get overwhelmed, have a nervous breakdown, and start all over again. God damnit. I need another vacation.

You are not alone.

It’s easy to feel like nobody gets it. And you’re right, they probably DON’T get it. But just remember that they don’t get it about the same amount that you don’t get it. That makes things a little easier to deal with.

Also, my Dad sent me this in an email today. It’s an Oscar Wilde quote from the biography he’s reading:

“Agitators are a set of interfering, meddling people,who come down to some perfectly contented class of the community and sow the seeds of discontent among them.  That is the reason why agitators are so absolutely necessary.”

Aw. That’s love. That’s what makes me keep fighting against the complacency and silence. Even when it means I’m that weird girl who gets mad at the President of the college because we built a new Intercultural Center that doesn’t have an elevator, because it was “too expensive”, but we spent way too much money making the rest of the center look like a rich white person’s house. And I get blown off because of course, it IS “wheelchair accessible”…just not in the half of the building that you have to walk upstairs to get to. Even when I get frustrated in class, I cry in front of people who don’t deserve to see me crying, I get my feelings hurt by one of the people I admire and adore most in the world, and have him tell me to my face, “You know, Lissa, it’s not all about you”! Well, he’s right. Of course he is. And that’s why I keep fighting. Because it’s not about me. So go ahead and insult me, but I don’t think it’s going to change my mind. Maybe I’m that person in class who ALWAYS wants to talk about race and gender and corporations and the state and imperialism and hegemony and the military-industrial complex. Because they ALWAYS matter. And the people affected by them in their day to day lives ALWAYS matter. And for the first time in my life I have words and ideas to match what I have been feeling and wanting for so long.

It matters to me that so many of us are complacent because we CAN be, because we have that privilege, and we may have it for the rest of our lives (who knows). And it matters that so of us are complacent because we MUST be, because we are so invested in what our system promises, even when it is a lie. But my heart is telling me that we cannot accept this, that there is something better out there, that we must continue to refuse, to reject, to scream, to say NO. This isn’t about me, it’s about us. It’s about where we can go, together, if we can keep our minds set, and keep our chins up. It’s not about me, and what I DON’T get (because believe me, it is a lot), it’s about us, it’s about being with the world and coming to understand each others’ blind spots and weaknesses, and the strength and conviction to act that is built upon these understandings. We need no promise of a happy ending to justify our rejection of a world we feel to be wrong.

sometimes you’ve got to…

take the best, and leave the rest. nothing and no one is perfect. we are all trying to make sense of things. just because we don’t understand each other doesn’t mean we can’t keep trying. we’ve had different life experiences, and one is not more valid than another. if you don’t understand that, well then, that’s your loss, not mine. but in the meantime, let’s not feel too bad about our shortcomings. let’s just take the best, and leave the rest. i think i might be able to. will you?

Sometimes being at Whitman makes me feel like this. But I guess that’s okay. Talking to Danielle today helped. Hearing her tell me that yes, it is hard. And no, I’m not a bad person. And no, I’m not doing it wrong. It’s just hard. But I’ll probably figure it out. Hearing her say that she went through what I am going through. The, “things are getting easier. Wait, shouldn’t I feel guilty that they are getting easier? What about everything I learned? What about all the ways in which I changed? How can I just go back to this?” The ‘people don’t get it’, but its ok to just be a pain in the ass sometimes and try to stir things up, whether they want to talk about it or not. The, I want to get involved in something, anything, but I don’t want to be a sell out and get involved in the ‘wrong’ thing. Hearing her say that I can have a place at Whitman, even if it is radically different than what it was before I went to Mexico. Hearing her say that I can be part of the struggle here too, in my own way. Having another person tell me that it’s okay to stay in school. And that it’s okay to leave school too. I’m not as strong as I want to be yet- I need that kind of repetition to counteract all the other forces in my life that tell me there is one path, one way, one answer, and I have no choice in the matter. No; It’s my life, so I do have a choice. It was good to have those words of encouragement, from someone who barely knows me, but knows what I’m going through and I what I need to hear. That is helpful. She also said she saw Tom in D.C., who said nice things about me. It is so funny to have this network of connected people. I need to email Tom. And the group. That will be good. I’m still uncomfortable with a lot of things. So far I don’t really like the parties I used to go to. I’m not sure I like all of the people I used to like. I’m still in the library on a Saturday evening, but that seemed like my best option for the moment, to be honest. Sure I would rather be hanging out, drinking beer and talking about life or politics or social change or something. If I could, I would do that instead of what my professor told me to do. But here I am, at the library, reading a book, wondering what Shona would say to me if she knew. I know it is good for me to be at Whitman right now. That reading things that challenge me to take what I learned and what I know and put it into thought and words that form a coherant counter argument is productive and an alright use of my time. I just kinda wish there were people here I were doing this with. People are important. I’m tired of doing things on my own. I want to do them with other people. So where do I find them?

Sometimes being at Whitman makes me feel like this.

But I guess that’s okay. Talking to Danielle today helped. Hearing her tell me that yes, it is hard. And no, I’m not a bad person. And no, I’m not doing it wrong. It’s just hard. But I’ll probably figure it out.

Hearing her say that she went through what I am going through. The, “things are getting easier. Wait, shouldn’t I feel guilty that they are getting easier? What about everything I learned? What about all the ways in which I changed? How can I just go back to this?” The ‘people don’t get it’, but its ok to just be a pain in the ass sometimes and try to stir things up, whether they want to talk about it or not. The, I want to get involved in something, anything, but I don’t want to be a sell out and get involved in the ‘wrong’ thing. Hearing her say that I can have a place at Whitman, even if it is radically different than what it was before I went to Mexico. Hearing her say that I can be part of the struggle here too, in my own way. Having another person tell me that it’s okay to stay in school. And that it’s okay to leave school too. I’m not as strong as I want to be yet- I need that kind of repetition to counteract all the other forces in my life that tell me there is one path, one way, one answer, and I have no choice in the matter. No; It’s my life, so I do have a choice.

It was good to have those words of encouragement, from someone who barely knows me, but knows what I’m going through and I what I need to hear. That is helpful. She also said she saw Tom in D.C., who said nice things about me. It is so funny to have this network of connected people. I need to email Tom. And the group. That will be good.

I’m still uncomfortable with a lot of things. So far I don’t really like the parties I used to go to. I’m not sure I like all of the people I used to like. I’m still in the library on a Saturday evening, but that seemed like my best option for the moment, to be honest. Sure I would rather be hanging out, drinking beer and talking about life or politics or social change or something. If I could, I would do that instead of what my professor told me to do. But here I am, at the library, reading a book, wondering what Shona would say to me if she knew.

I know it is good for me to be at Whitman right now. That reading things that challenge me to take what I learned and what I know and put it into thought and words that form a coherant counter argument is productive and an alright use of my time. I just kinda wish there were people here I were doing this with. People are important. I’m tired of doing things on my own. I want to do them with other people. So where do I find them?

Back at Whitman.

Yes, I missed you. And you. And you. And him. And her. I missed many things about you. But I’m not sure I missed this place. I’m not sure I missed Whitman.

When I got to Mexico everything was new. The place, the people, the ideas. New and exciting at at times very uncomfortable and challenging. I cried. For myself. For you. For the people I met and the struggles they faced. But I also learned, and grew, and changed. I became “me”, or the person I am today, and I learned what it meant to be “me” as opposed to “you” or “them”. Sure, I am still struggling with being “me”, and with the places and the experiences that made me who I am, but there is a purpose and direction to that struggle. There is a goal, albeit a dynamic and changing one, that guides my struggle to understand myself and the world. And there is faith. Because there is clear hard evidence that our struggle can be productive, rewarding, and humanizing.

I know I need to start doing something. Soon. Now. Today. Because studying these things is simply not enough. Now that I know what I know, I can’t just go back to being apathetic and self-centered. Classes are important, but nowhere near as important as I was convinced they were. There is so much knowledge that comes from places outside of a textbook, outside of the classroom, and outside of academic institutions. Knowledge can come from experience. Theory can come from practice. It is not enough to change the way we think or the way we treat others, we must act directly upon the world in order to change it.


When I got to Mexico (and even before I got there) I just knew, just had this gut-feeling that it was exactly where I needed to be. This proved to be true time and time again, even through the questions, the tears, and the uncertainty. But being back at Whitman, I have no feeling whatsoever that this is where I am supposed to be. I know there is more for me to learn here, more for me to give, more for me to do. But so much of it doesn’t feel right. Is it something that I can change? Is it something that we, as students, can change or will want to change? I guess we will have to wait and see. Or no, we will have to act and see. The revolution is now. Let’s create something better.

Lissa goes to Mexico.

The case is the same, and I must not forget it: everything preceding this has been a horror, and may be so again, if there is an again, unless I force out all the truth there is in me.

I’m fighting to break out of a pattern…to smash its hold as fast as I can. Each thing I do during the course of a day is something I’ve been told to do, or taught to do. I have to replace all of it with what I choose to do.

We are foraging for a self, some first knowing of what a woman might be when she has stripped away the rules that have bound her in and made her tame enough for the father-culture.

— the words of Kim Chernin, said as if they could have been my own, and modified slightly for my own purposes

I have never felt so uncomfortable in Kirkland, in Seattle, or alone in my own home. A big, beautiful, useless home that isn’t even providing shelter for anyone. That will sit empty and abandoned for the next 5 months while millions are out in the streets. This is a world that I just don’t understand. This is a place where it is so hard to even understand myself, to understand why I am doing the things I’m doing. Trying to find meaning or comfort in what used to be my regular habits, and just feeling lost.

I had to leave in order to learn all of these things about myself…about what it means that I am white, that I am wealthy, that I am a woman, that I am queer. Things that I had never thought about before, and had even tried to ignore or reject. “I am queer…but I like men too so I’m just like the rest of them.” “I am a woman…but I’m just as smart and capable as a man so really it means nothing.” I wanted nothing to do with my own identity, with my own history, with my own self, but I realized that that was a mistake. I realized that I am not my school, I am not my job, I am not my mistakes or the things that I do right in life. I am not anything I do. I am everything that I AM. I am my SELF, and I am valuable because I exist, not because of my success or wealth or potential in life. I don’t have to be anyone important…I can just be myself and find happiness in that.

“Quemar las naves”; significa que, para poder irte, tienes que romper con lo que dejas atras, para que ya no puedes regresar, aunque te de miedo.

I am trying not to think about the future. For too long I was lost in that world, in the world of denying my present happiness because it was somehow going to benefit me…someday…somewhere along the line…right? No, I don’t live in that world anymore. But sometimes I find myself slipping back into it. Where will I go? Who will I be with? How do I know what the right thing to do is? I know I should just let go of it, I know I should deal with things as they come to me, make mistakes and learn from them, maybe smoke some cigarettes or drive over the speed limit or leave my prestigious liberal arts college…because life can be pretty hard when you feel like you have to be perfect all the time.

«I AM REAL! If I wasn’t real, I shouldn’t be able to cry. A key to figuring out how to resist capitalism, earth-destroying mega-technology, and velveeta culture is learning how to re-define our values based on what it means to be fully human.

Love is totally invisible to capitalism— computers and corporations can’t love. These structures can’t comprehend solidarity which is based on love and that doesn’t depend on trading something for something else.

To create a new society, we have to figure out ways to resist the social structures and institutions that oppress people and are destroying the earth. We’ve gone as far as we can with making things fast and cheap— now its time to build something meaningful and human.»

We don’t know what this new social and economic order will look like. Of course it will be scary to give up a lot of the benefits and privileges that many of us are used to. But I believe we can create a world that is fairer for everyone, and yes, better for everyone, even people who think they have everything under the current system. I’ve shed many tears over the lack of culture, history, tradition, and community that I grew up with in an isolated, most white, upper-middle class suburb. I cried and cried when I realized I had no idea who I was and that it would take a lot of work even to get where I am now. I’m not trying to say I haven’t had a good life. Obviously I’ve been privileged in more ways than I will ever even realize. But I think we are all playing into this game of who can get ahead, who can get the most power, who can accumulate the most wealth, and who will be considered the most ‘successful’ when all is said and done. And I don’t think we have any idea what we are sacrificing as a result.

Over and out (turn to the left then take to the streets),

Lissa

Shona cut my hair…I really like it. I feel super bad-ass. It’s exciting.

Shona cut my hair…I really like it. I feel super bad-ass. It’s exciting.

Fotos de Nicolas Bravo

Hello darlings,

  I know I never update…and that´s probably not going to change all that much during the next few weeks because I am still busy all the time and now I am working on my final project which is due in two weeks…yikes! We´ll see how it goes though, and if it doesn´t turn out so great well then…I´ll keep working on it and figure it out later. After all, my grades don´t transfer back to Whitman. And like I said, I am realizing on this program that grades really don´t matter as much as I always thought they did. Like REALLY. I mean, I want to do well in school because it interests me, but not because I think it somehow affects my self-worth as a human being, or because I´m worried about how ´successful´ I will be in my life. Nope, I´m done with that, it´s over, and things couldn´t be better.

  Anyway, I just wanted to post these pictures so that you can see how wonderful and adorable my host family in Tlaxcala is. (The line at the top that says ´fotos de nicolas bravo´is a link to facebook pictures). Really, they are the best people ever. I fucking love Nicolas Bravo. Also, I cut my hair in N. Bravo, so you can see in the pictures…woo! We went back there on Saturday for the baptism and I was so happy to see all of them…kind of weird because I only left them a week before that. Oh well. We´re trying to decide if we should go back for the kids´ first communion in two weeks. Honestly I would rather be there than in the city…but I´d probably feel bad leaving our host family here on our last weekend in D.F.

 In other news…my life as I left it in the U.S. seems to be falling to pieces. I´m not really sure what to expect when I go home. Part of me thinks I won´t stay at Whitman for my last year…but the other part of me thinks I don´t have the balls to leave. I don´t know. I´m not making any decisions right here and now, I´m going to wait until I get back to see how things go and whether I feel okay about graduating from Whitman. I had the weirdest dream last night…but only because it was a dream where I was doing the most normal everyday things at home with the normal everyday people I spend my time with, and when I woke up it seemed like I had been doing the weirdest and most foreign things. Going home is going to be weird. Hrm.

  Sorry to end on such a low note…sometimes thinking about things is confusing. But, know that I am still happy here and learning lots. Hasta pronto!

Manifestations against the Mexican government began at the end of October, and have turned into a call for a nationwide general strike by the Mexican Electrical Workers Union (SME). According to Tom, the strike has so far been extremely successful and we’re at the threshold of some major movements in Mexico. As sad as I am that I am leaving my host family here, I am so ready to be in Mexico City. Shit’s gonna be crazy. Also, January 1st is the 100 year anniversary of the Mexican Revolution and I might be in Mexico. We shall see. Super exciting nevertheless. Shona and I are in Apizaco because we are getting a cake for Tom/skipping spanish class. Not the best combination, but at least the class wouldn’t be with him (just his wife). I doubt they will know we aren’t there. But still. I have been so well trained that it’s disgusting. Shona and I spent all weekend doing awesome things with our host family, and then agreed to not turn in our reflections this week (because we get one free pass) but then I did mine on Monday morning before class. I am trying so hard not to be an academic robot…but its all I’ve ever known. Damnit. Anyway, the point of all of this is not to tell you all that I am a freak, but that I am happy. So happy. I am getting so much better at life…and I don’t think that even going back to Whitman will change that. Anywho, I talked to Tom about what I want to do for my final project and he seemed down for it. He also seems like he excepts a lot a LOT from me, which I like, but which also scares me. He was like, this is going to be a huge and complicated project, you need to start writing it now. Like, START THIS WEEK. So I was like siryessir. What a weird dude. Love it. I think once the program ends I am gonna go to Oaxaca with Shona and Sarah. Then Shona might go to England and Sarah and I might come back to Nicolas Bravo for Christmas? Which I think would be pretty cool. And then we should probably be in Mexico City on January 1st. Ya know, for the rev and all. That is, if Sarah stays at all to travel with us…which I really hope she does. Cool, well it is time to find a cake. Or two, preferably. Righteo. Talk to you soon! Peace, love, and revolución social y’all.

Manifestations against the Mexican government began at the end of October, and have turned into a call for a nationwide general strike by the Mexican Electrical Workers Union (SME). According to Tom, the strike has so far been extremely successful and we’re at the threshold of some major movements in Mexico. As sad as I am that I am leaving my host family here, I am so ready to be in Mexico City. Shit’s gonna be crazy. Also, January 1st is the 100 year anniversary of the Mexican Revolution and I might be in Mexico. We shall see. Super exciting nevertheless.

Shona and I are in Apizaco because we are getting a cake for Tom/skipping spanish class. Not the best combination, but at least the class wouldn’t be with him (just his wife). I doubt they will know we aren’t there. But still. I have been so well trained that it’s disgusting. Shona and I spent all weekend doing awesome things with our host family, and then agreed to not turn in our reflections this week (because we get one free pass) but then I did mine on Monday morning before class. I am trying so hard not to be an academic robot…but its all I’ve ever known. Damnit. Anyway, the point of all of this is not to tell you all that I am a freak, but that I am happy. So happy. I am getting so much better at life…and I don’t think that even going back to Whitman will change that.

Anywho, I talked to Tom about what I want to do for my final project and he seemed down for it. He also seems like he excepts a lot a LOT from me, which I like, but which also scares me. He was like, this is going to be a huge and complicated project, you need to start writing it now. Like, START THIS WEEK. So I was like siryessir. What a weird dude. Love it.

I think once the program ends I am gonna go to Oaxaca with Shona and Sarah. Then Shona might go to England and Sarah and I might come back to Nicolas Bravo for Christmas? Which I think would be pretty cool. And then we should probably be in Mexico City on January 1st. Ya know, for the rev and all. That is, if Sarah stays at all to travel with us…which I really hope she does.

Cool, well it is time to find a cake. Or two, preferably. Righteo. Talk to you soon! Peace, love, and revolución social y’all.

Try to keep up.

Ok, I`m sorry, I`m getting so bad at updating! But it`s hard to get internet here for an extended period of time. And there`s always something else to be doing instead of being on the internet! Actually, it`s wonderful. It just means I don`t update as often as I`d like to.

We are in Tlaxcala now and it is really wonderful. We actually have three of us students staying in the house I am in. It would be nice to be on my own, but it also makes conversation easier when there are more of us. There are kind of two houses together where we are living, and it is a brother and sister with both of their spouses and kids. 4 kids in one family and 3 in the other, ages 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, and 14! So we have a lot of fun. Also there are cousins, nieces, grand-nephews…lots of people! The kids are adorable and super friendly, they love to play games and sports. The oldest boy is the most reserved but we are determined to make friends with him! Yesterday was nice because after class Tom was going to a nearby town, Apizaco, and said that anyone who wanted to go could go with him. Most people went, but I stayed to hang out with my family and I feel like I got to know the kids a lot better when it a was just me and them. Now the girls are always hanging on me and holding hands with me and telling me they like me the most! hahaha… It`s pretty nice being in separate homestays and getting some time away from the group.There are people in our group who can just be so dominating and loud…I get overwhelmed sometimes. I guess I was just expecting everyone to get along better because we have such similar interests…oh well. I like everyone, but sometimes I feel like some of them are not particularly concerned with being nice to other people. They are more concerned with trying to convince other people how cool/funny/radical they are. I know I probably do that too…but that`s probably why it bothers me so much.Anyway, the house is super nice and the food is amazing. I was expecting the town to be more like Chijnaya, but the people here definitely have a lot more money. The town we are in here is called Nicolas Bravo, and it is a big migrant-sending community, so a lot of families here are getting remittances from family-members who are in the U.S. working. Pretty different than living with the Zapatistas. The families we are staying with are part of an organization of campesinos called CNUC, who got organized in 1993 right before the Zapatista uprising, and have since been affiliated with them through La Otra Campaña, which the Zapatistas started in order to unite leftist organizations in Mexico and abroad.Bueno, I`m going to run home to my little sisters now. I wasn`t really planning on being gone this long, so I feel kind of bad.I have no idea what to say about my classes right now. They are just blowing my mind…and at the same time making so much damn sense. For our midterm paper we have to analyze a social movement that we are a part of, and I am writing about YDI. I`m only about halfway done, but it has already been super helpful. I was actually feeling pretty down about YDI and its potential for the future, but right now I am pretty convinced that we could breathe life into it. I`m super excited to get back and talk to Claire and Musa about it…I think we will have some good conversations.Righteo. Love and miss you all! Update me via facebook, email, tumblr…whenever, wherever.
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